Mark it ♥

Just what do i actually want in my life? just what do i want to be in the future? actually, i want to be a lawyer. honestly-speaking. but then looking at things now, what i want is just so far away. i can never achieve that target now. its just such a pity that i have never bother working my way to my targets. or should i say i am too ill-disciplined to do what i should do? perhaps now, people would advise me to be more realistic. like they will give me the "cmon, don't be ambitious" kind of stare, that kind of morale-threatening tone.

i have never realised things would eventually turn out to be so bad. bad to the extent that i have been failing my tests/exams constantly. to the stage where i am used to it. or rather still not doing something about it. maybe i was too naive in thinking that things will work out fine. but it seems otherwise. nevertheless it still isn't too late to start the engine now so as to prepared for the prelims 7 weeks away.

For people who have been reading my blog after each successful CTs would realise everytime i post the same thing over and over again. kind of bored isnt it? still remember mitchell smsed me 1 fine night and told me that its no use complaining and regretting. just like my parents, they want to see things done. action proven. everytime, i've lamented about poor results, complaint about disappointing my subject tutors and so on. but then it seems routine after each time i got back my results right from the beginning when i entered nj. to me, its just become a habit of me being guilty and STILL not doing anything about it. so whats the point of me feeling guilty? is it just to make myself feel not so bad afterall? then that is definitely wrong of me.

so i started doing my homework for the past few days. Honestly, it really felt great to be able to attend tutorials at ease, with papers filled with own tidy hand-writing. When i say tidy, it means i actually do the questions myself. When its untidy, most probably is either i refered or i copied. more of like i copied right? haha. And i am glad i dropped econs. if nt i wun know how to cope with 4 subjects and start revising from basic foundations? a point for me to note even when i did complete my tutorials. i think right now, i complete tutorials only for the sake of completing it. but i believe the rationale behind doing homework is to understand the applications behind it and apply it for usage in the future or present. like for example, i asked mr low the derivation of the expectation of sigma square in the estimation topic. but he told me that i should nt bother with the derivations but instead just apply the formula and used it to solve the questions. however, i was quite disappointed because i wondered have you ever think of what are we going to do if we forget the formula 1 day? then there is no meaning to maths statistics except to score A for alevels and get into top faculty in local universities right? i remembered vividly last year that i did understand the whole of ionic equilibrium topic and thats why i am able to score full marks for that section and in the end my chem can secure a D. sometimes it is indeed wise to know the whole story behind 1 topic so as to perform better for that particualr topic. this is how i feel.

Whenever i sense myself finally working hard, it seems others are working harder than me. today i thought i completed group 7 tutorial, i am already very hardworking le. But then i saw zhiyuan consulting Mr low for energetics revision i was flabbergasted. AND wad is even more astonishing is that Yuliang started on group 2 tutorial even before the lecture begins. WTF! Despite of this uneasiness, i feel that they are doing the right thing. Not to say they are exactly muggers, though yuliang definitely is 1.(please dun come kill me=p) Its just seem so hard to catch up with them. They are way ahead of me. This is just like formula-one racing. i'm the car with engine that snored and rumbled along the way.. Sometimes its best to have friends that are pressuring you to work even harder.

Every reflection is a process of growing up. i hope i am able to move on with every single thoughts.

Quite surprisingly, just when one area seems to prosper, the other area stared to deteriorate. Haven been making the most rationale decisions recently. Maybe what i do and what i say seem to affect the surrounding people. But then in the course of offering solutions that are better for them, i neglected some thing. If giving up means happiness for you, why not? I know i have made alot of mistakes in my friendships. but then i am comforted to have my classmates as support. Anyway, 1 more heartening fact is that daphne actually talked to me online the other day saying she knew gilbert lee in her tuition class. didn't expect her to initiate mainly cuz we didn't speak after jasmine's incident? but that was like 1 year ago. up-to-date i dare say i haven been making the best decisions but then sometimes anything can happen in a moment of folly. thats life perhaps. oh well, shall not rant about it.

I know recently i have been teasing yuliang about 442:P but then i never did tell him i will never play with fire de laa. so don't worry k. haha. Oh well james and fel's happening seem a part and parcel activity to joke about so don't mind me please.:P guess the class is so much fun with so much things to say about one another. Talking about our class, it seems our class new CT is so much enthu about bonding. To the extent that tomorrow after community service, prak-joyce-shweta-i together with ms kao will be heading down to arab street so as to come up with ideas for the class outing on 5th august. Well, i feel that perhaps after that outing, ms kao would be demoralised to suggest another outing? cuz i got a bad feeling that my class would not really participate in the activity after knowing my class too well. but then, i did like my class and i know if some thing do happen, 05s15 class spirit will shine and triumph.

Coming back to the main topic, i guess its better for me to start playing hide-and-seek with my parents. like for example, do revision during the day and play dota for the rest of the night when they are alseep? If there is really a need for me to give up my internet for my own good, i would gladly do it. because dota has brought about a negative impact on my studies. Hmm, but i still prefer to give others a image of me being able to play hard and score well simultaneously. Those kind of not entirely muggish outlook. So long as i do start studying, i have a chance to score well for prelims. this goes for everybody. Given a chance, we would have gladly cherish it. Every people needs a lucky break or an opportunity to do something. I think right now i want 2 chances. 1 to score for academics and the other to *erhem*. you don't have to understand what is erhem. All of us in life are victims of injustice. Its what we really want to make out of our lives thats all.

My dad told me to go check out on driving theory test. He kept stressing that if i can passed the test for just 1 try, he would get me any car i want. I know this offer is just like a chance. but then i need to study now instead if thinking about what fanciful car i would be driving next time. Everytime he loves to stress he can buy alot of cars. Since he is that rich, can he buy me a time machine so i can reverse time and do what i should do in the 1st place? no.. it sounds ridiculous seriously.

As the clocks click silently, it signals the impending doom of prelims.

Just how much work i have left? alot. more than before.

Shuyu told me i need to start believing in myself that i can do it. She said i was once from chinese high. but i don't think it meant anything much about ex-tchs student. maybe it makes me feel even more guilty that i'm the root of all troubles?

Till prelims then.

I`VE MARKED IT:D
4:26 PM